Joris (A Hardcore Opera), Pt. 1

Go ahead, Agent Groovehammer Target identified, do we have a go on extraction? Target's name, Joris Occupation, hard west Jorris system, so be careful of any sharp tools or concealed weapons Wake up Coordinates to confirm, 515925 north, 0.1664 west, London, please confirm That's affirmative Wake up And Agent Groovehammer, please approach Joris with caution We've already lost too many good agents on that mission Understood, we're moving in Move, move, move He's in thе bedroom, get down Put down the nailgun

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

Wake up Wake up Joris Ahhh, shit Joris, wake up you slept through all your alarms So what? It's Sunday morning Uh, no it's not, it's Saturday morning and you're supposed to be at work in 10 minutes

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

Oh shit Oh shit Fuck my life Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit Fuck my life Oh shit I've fucked it I've ran out of lucked it I saw the chance but I dip and I ducked it I fucked it Apple delete My file corrupted I've got a golden ticket but I reckon I chucked it Shit Give me a break All life is pain Drives you insane Oh shit Oh shit Fuck my life Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit Fuck my life Oh shit I fucked it My buckaroo bucked it My day was ironed and buttoned and smart You must have untucked it Disrupted I shouldn't be trusted Poke your nose my way today It's gonna get busted Can't stop getting shit wrong Can't stop fucking it up Fucking it up Can't stop getting shit wrong Can't stop fucking it up Fucking it up (Dickhead, dickhead) (Dickhead, dickhead) I just can't help it I just can't help Fucking it up Fucking it up I just can't help it I just can't help Fucking it up Fucking it up I just can't help it I just can't help Fucking it up Fucking it up Shit Shit Fuck my life Oh shit Oh shit Fuck my life Oh shit Shit Shit Shit

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

Oh, not the traffic, come on, I don't have time for this Come on, come on Oh, fuck, I'm in trouble now Uh, Cliff, oh mate, I'm sorry Jorris, of all the fucking days to be late Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm I'm three staff down with pallets of Black and Decker work mates as tall as fucking Big Ben Yeah, I know, I know Yeah, I'm so sorry, look, I'll stay extra late I'll do the work, but I'm stuck in traffic, like I just, it's just not moving, I don't know what to do Listen, I don't give a fuck, traffic or not, if you're not here in ten minutes, don't bother fucking coming here ever again Listen, I don't, Cliff, Cliff Oh shit, think, think, think Okay, gridlock down there, that's a one-way street Hmm, I mean, one-way, but there's no one on it Can I do this? Fuck it, here goes nothing You idiot it's one way Hahaha

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

Live faster Live faster Live faster Live faster

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

Right, right, any spaces? There's one over there Yeah, managers space, that'll do Ha ha ha Oh shit, I'm an hour late Pull up, pull up But then again, I'm never late, fuck it I'm always coming in early and covering for people Pull up, pull up Yeah, fuck Cliff, this store would be nothing without me I run this place, motherfucker

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

Freeze like a picture Peel out, everyone with ya No need to explain the sitcha Dickheads drop their phones 'cause you look too good No, they don't wanna stare But they wish they could See we don't give a fuck Double 'L' That's what's up Take a sip if we're filling your cup Yeah, we came to lay it down Roll out the carpet Here to park it in your loading bay Pull up, yeah Pull up Pull up like you run the gaff Motherfucker Pull up Pull up Pull up like you run the gaff Motherfucker Sick of being fucked about Had enough of you running your mouth You'd be jack shit without me (Yeah) Those who doubt me (Yeah) Are gonna have to see me shouty? See we don't give a shit Double 'L', yeah that's it Take a seat if you're feeling the hit You'd better watch out Because we run this place We're about to park it in the manager's space Pull up, yeah Pull up Pull up like you run the gaff Motherfucker Pull up Pull up Pull up like you run the gaff Motherfucker You know we're up in the space You know we're running the place You know we're running things Running things Running things You know we're up in the space You know we're running the place You know we're running things Running things Running things You know we're up in the space You know we're running the place You know we're running things Running things Running things P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pull up, yeah Pull up Pull up like you run the gaff Yeah Pull up Pull up Pull up like you run the gaff, yeah Pull up, yeah Pull up Pull up like you run the gaff Motherfucker, yeah Pull up Pull up Pull up like you run the gaff

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

Pull up, pull up Like you run the place motherfucker (Welcome to Tool Me Once) Right, so what if I'm late? I've just got to walk in, head held high If Cliff starts kicking off, I'll just have to tell him he can Oh, Barry, I thought you were away doing your forklift licence Word to the wise, Joris, keep your head down today Cliff is on the rampage He's fuming about you being late and he's cut everyone's lunch break You're not too popular with the staff, Joris You'd do well to steer clear of Cliff today If he spots you, he'll have your guts for garters Oh, aren't you just sick of gеtting told off by an idiot like Cliff, at a job you don't even carе about? Oh, I just wish I did something meaningful I want to be someone people look up to, do you know what I mean? What, like a celebrity? You can't all be Bobby Eyelash, Joris Besides, someone's got to work in a hardware store I've got my whole life ahead of me And I don't want to spend it working in a hardware store We've all got to make a living somehow Yeah, but why can't I earn it doing something I love? You've been spending too much time on Instagram If everybody just quit like you, where would people buy their tools? Skirting boards, laminate flooring, plumbing supplies? Yeah, yeah, listen

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

I don't give a fuck about Nuts and bolts You're fucking kidding me Cordless drills Or fucking loo seats Got this job for my holiday fund Well I ain't fucking getting one I don't give a fuck about Nuts and bolts You're fucking kidding me Cordless drills Or fucking loo seats Got this job for a summer of fun Well I ain't fucking having one No varnish No stud wall Throwing down like a Fucking hammerfall Spitting bars like a nail gun Got big dreams This place isn't one Laugh it up keep muttering Clearing my life of shit Like guttering Grab eye protectors 'Cause once I've left yers You'll be my autograph collectors I'll be sticking you In that fucking skip You can borrow my work gloves And get a grip I don't give a fuck about Nuts and bolts You're fucking kidding me Cordless drills Or fucking loo seats Got this job for my holiday fund Well I ain't fucking getting one I don't give a fuck about Nuts and bolts You're fucking kidding me Cordless drills Or fucking loo seats Got this job for a summer of fun Well I ain't fucking having one You've been screwing me for months It won't stop Getting rid of you like old stock Took this job for a summer of fun Well I ain't fucking getting one So just stop drilling This shit in my head 'Cause I don't give a fuck about Door hook Nail gun Paint brush Super Glue I don't care about all that stuff No I don't give a fuck about it No I don't care about it There's a WD40 spill on Aisle two You'd better bring a mop with you (Oh shit, here comes Cliff) Joris

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

Are my eyes playing tricks on me, or is that palette still stuck to the sky with Black And Decker? Oh Cliff, Cliff, I'm sorry, I'm just- You just what? You just lost your fucking overtime, that's what Oh no, please, I need the cash, I'm having a nightmare at the moment, it's- Nightmare? Your whole fucking life's a nightmare Dickheads like you never amount to anything for a reason You'll be a fucking loser for the rest of your life, Joris I hear you in the staff room talking about making it as a fucking rockstar or whatever Can't even make it to work on time So how the fuck are you ever gonna make it as a rockstar if you- Oh, shut up, you prat Holy shit I'm a what now? Ah, you heard me You're a prat And you stink, and your hair's crap I don't know who you think you're talking to, you dickhead But mark my words No no no, I don't know who you think you're talking to Listen, you might get paid one pound twenty more an hour than me And you have a fucking badge that says 'Deputy assistant' or whatever the fuck But you are no better than me You're no better than any of us And yeah, maybe you're right I am a dickhead But you know what? We're all dickheads Every last one of us We're dickheads and we're proud Dickheads for life and proud

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

Kinda wish I wasn't born so close to London It always felt like me dreams weren't far away I kinda thought I'd make the big time... Oh, come on, Joris Chin up It's just got you sad Dickheads for life, right? Yeah, you right

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

I'm just a Dickhead for life A dickhead for life We're all Dickheads for life Dickheads for life I'm a Dickhead for life A dickhead for life Fuck what you want I'll Do what I like I'm a Dickhead for life A dickhead for life We're all Dickheads for life Dickheads for life I'm a Dickhead for life A dickhead for life Fuck what you want I'll Do what I like Been pushed about For too long And we ain't never gonna get along We don't Take crap Hit back You gotta fucking help me Gotta sing that 'Cause I'm a Dickhead for life A dickhеad for life We're all Dickhеads for life Dickheads for life I'm a Dickhead for life A dickhead for life Fuck what you want I'll Do what I like Come on Don't give a fuck I won't take that Can't put your shit on me Like a placemat Big dreams Big heart That's the kind of shit that's keeping us apart Yeah I'm a Dickhead for life A dickhead for life We're all Dickheads for life Dickheads for life I'm a Dickhead for life A dickhead for life Fuck what you want I'll Do what I like I'm a Dickhead for life A dickhead for life We're all Dickheads for life Dickheads for life I'm a Dickhead for life A dickhead for life Fuck what you want I'll Do what I like Come on Come on Check, Check This is Joris, your 'Tool me once' store assistant, can everybody hear me? You with the skirting board, can you hear me? Is anybody here like me, sick to fucking death of being told what to do, how to act, how to look, how to live Then everyone together join me, it goes Dickheads for life Dickheads for life (Dickheads for life) Everybody (Dickheads for life) Dickheads for life Dickheads for life (Dickheads for life) (Dickheads for life) Dickheads for life Dickheads for life (Dickheads for life) (Dickheads for life) Dickhead for life A dickhead for life We're all Dickheads for life Dickheads for life I'm a Dickhead for life A dickhead for life Fuck what you want I'll Do what I like I'm a Dickhead for life A dickhead for life We're all Dickheads for life Dickheads for life I'm a Dickhead for life A dickhead for life Fuck what you want I'll Do what I like You prat

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

Yeah Right, tools down, aprons off, let's get the fuck out of here All together now Who's with Me? What? None of you? So what was all that about? Dickheads for life and all that? Well, the thing is, Joris, to be completely honest with you, mate I kinda need the job, like we all do, mate, we gotta pay rent, we gotta pay bills Oh, forget about money, we'll be living the dream, we all will Trish, you wanna be an opera singer, right? Me? Yeah, I do actually, I've been practising and everything Go on, give us a note Beautiful, and Barry, what about your dream? My dream? What do you mean, my dream? Thought you were going to be the next JK Rowling I just do writing at the weekend, man Like, I'm not even that good Well, it seems to me your mutiny plans are coming unhinged, Joris Take a look around Tell me what you see? Uh, carpet tiles, wallpaper paste, there's half price lawn mowers Fear, Joris, in the eyes of every man, every woman Don't you see? They are all my servants Slaves to the tool-Me-Once paycheck that they so desperately need To fund their pathetic existence To pay for the phones they mindlessly gawp at The Netflix that they sit in front of like zombies each night to ease the pain Without me, they are nothing

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

You dicks are mine If you go then you don't come back You dicks are mine Step out the door and you know, that's that You dicks are mine I'll swap you over like a battery pack You dicks are mine You need me better just face the facts You dicks are mine It ain't gonna phase me You cunts are lazy Head office pays me £1.20 more To stop you dickheads from turning crazy Serve tools on the daily Yeah that's what made me Some of you go Some of you stay Some of you no Some of you paid, ha If you go then you don't come back You dicks arе mine Step out the door and you know, that's that You dicks arе mine I'll swap you over like a battery pack You dicks are mine You need me better just face the facts You dicks are mine Fuck you Cliff Had enough of your lip You're only one rung up on the ladder from me And that don't mean shit I'm about to lose my mind 'Cause the next tool I find Might end up right up your jacksie 'Cause I've fucking done my time Joris out If you go then you don't come back You dicks are mine Step out the door and you know, that's that You dicks are mine I'll swap you over like a battery pack You dicks are mine You need me better just face the facts You dicks are mine That cash I need it Three kids need feeding You know that payday can't come soon enough Ain't got no genie So Joris shut your gob 'Cause I need cash you knob You might be aiming for the stars But I need cash, you knob Gimme cash If you go then you don't come back You dicks are mine Step out the door and you know, that's that You dicks are mine I'll swap you over like a battery pack You dicks are mine You need me better just face the facts You dicks are mine (I want my, I want my, I want my new TV) I need money, Joris, Joris out (I want my, I want my, I want my new TV) Netflix, Just East, ASOS (I want my) You don't need that shit it's a myth (I want my) See, Cliff's been taking the piss (I want my new TV) If you've got that dream then you know full well It's worth taking the risk (I want my) See, I feel you, Trish (I want my) I know you love your kids (I want my new TV).You need a boss who's in your corner, not a wally like Cliff Ha, If you go then you don't come back I don't care, I don't want to stay Step out the door and you know, that's that I'm staying Cliff I'll swap you over like a battery pack Oh whatever, who cares? You need me better just face the facts I don't If you go then you don't come back You dicks are mine Step out the door and you know, that's that You dicks are mine I'll swap you over like a battery pack You dicks are mine You need me better just face the facts You dicks are mine Oh well, I mean I tried

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

Maybe Joris would never convince his workmates to leave the "Tool Me Once" hardware store Who the fuck are you? And maybe it wasn't his place, after all everyone needs to find their own path, right? Where the fuck is this guy come from? He's from the radio ain't he? He left for the last time with the spring in his step and glint in his eye This was a new chapter, a new beginning Joris got the whole world in his hands He can feel his future changing No one can tell him that he's acting too brash Hold up Hold up They call him daydreamer Maybe he was born to dream Maybe life ain't quite as boring as it seems Ooh yeah Joris got the whole world in his hands He can feel his future changing No, no, whoa, whoa, hold up, I am not having some fucking cheesy outro with matey from Magic FM chatting over some elevator music or whatever it is, it's just not happening Listen, I put on my best radio voice for you, gave you a heartwarming send off, if you think you can do better, fill your boots Alright

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

Better get ready (Aye) You get ready (What?) You get ready for the sickness Better get ready (Who?) You get ready (Me?) You get ready for the sickness Get ready (What) You get ready (What?) You get ready for the sickness Better get ready (Who?) You get ready (Me?) You get ready for the sickness Gotta do this Gotta do that Do what you tell mе? Fuck that Don't do orders Don't do rules Don't do boring Don't do tools Can we havе a heart to heart? 'Cause it might be time to part I've got big dreams Better make a start Gotta go mate Time to dart Better get ready (Aye) You get ready (What?) You get ready for the sickness Better get ready (Who?) You get ready (Me?) You get ready for the sickness Get ready (What) You get ready (What?) You get ready for the sickness Better get ready (Who?) You get ready (Me?) You get ready for the sickness Get your boots on I'm going off on one Kick it out the fucking park Just for fun Watch out Dickheads about Gotta make those doubters shut their fucking mouths Come on Get ready Get ready Get ready for sickness It's the motherfucking Hell Get ready Get ready Get ready for sickness Better get ready (Aye) You get ready (What?) You get ready for the sickness Better get ready (Who?) You get ready (Me?) You get ready for the sickness Get ready (What?) You get ready (What?) You get ready for the sickness Better get ready (Who?) You get ready (Me?) You get ready for the sickness Better get ready (Ay) You get ready (What?) You get ready for the sickness Better get ready (Who?) You get ready (Me?) You get ready for the sickness Get ready (What?) You get ready (What?) You get ready for the sickness Better get ready (Who?) You get ready (Me?) You get ready for the sickness

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026

Next time on Jorris, a hardcore opera: Joris, what have you done? (It's no use, it's grown too powerful) (Joris, it's not too late to turn back, save yourself now) (You know you've always been like a, like a, like a brother to me) Yeah, none of that's actually in it

Submitted by Grave666 — Feb 23, 2026