Ziltoid the Omniscient
Ziltoid! Ziltoid, Ziltoid! Ziltoid, the Omniscient! Ziltoid, Ziltoid! Ziltoid! Yes, the Omniscient! Ziltoid: Greetings, humans. I'm Ziltoid, the omniscient. I've come far from across the omniverse. You shall fetch me, your universe's ultimate cup of coffee: black. You have five Earth minutes! Make it perfect!
Submitted by BloodShrine — Apr 26, 2025
Ziltoid is currently hovering 5 miles above Qatar. His fourth dimensional status gives him control of time. (He can’t alter it, but he can participate in it for fun). But in order to bend it, he requires the perfect fuel for time travel: Black coffee, found in only one place in the universe, Earth. Having traveled throughout the universe in search of the perfect brew, he descends on the Earth in a ferocious hail of aggression (a facade). But he wants to come off as a bad ass, so he wails and caterwauls and threatens the Earth’s governments, that if he doesn’t receive the perfect cup of coffee, he will invade the Earth. Ziltoid: I command my dominion, every heart and all opinion. Hide me, guide me, dry my tears. Slowly taking back the years, by your command! By your command! By your comrades! Know I know all I am and we are not, we are not to blame. For all I have learned now, we are not to blame. Over and over, and over and over, and over you live it again! Touch it, take it! Make it your friend! You have not convinced mighty Ziltoid, I am so omniscient. If there were to be two omnisciences, I would be both! Prepare yourself for the subjugation! Hide me, guide me, dry my tears. Slowly taking back... Know I know all I am and we are not, we are not to blame. For all I have learned now, we are not to blame. Over and over, and over and over, and over you live it again! Touch it, take it! Make it your friend! Oh, the physical race, you're dying. Oh, with physical grace. Gone too far from the universe, Gone too far for the way on home, Gone too far from the universe. The universe! I'm flying over physical... I'm flying over physical waste. I'll keep it light and stay awake. Ziltoid: Commander? Commander: Yes, Captain Ziltoid! Ziltoid: Have the humans delivered their ultimate cup of coffee? Commander: I have it right here, Sir. Ziltoid: Fetid, how dare they present this to me! Foul, they hide their finest bean! Prepare the attack! Aboard the Ziltoidian space barge, Ziltoid's cronies are lifting heavy boxes, containing 4th-dimensional guitar amps and cabs, onto the wings of the spacecraft. Ziltoid's fiendish plan is to take over the planet, by presenting himself as the ultimate guitar hero, stealing the hearts and minds of the unsuspecting human, and absconding the Earth's precious supply of coffee, while not getting into too much trouble. (He's never been good with confrontation). His orc-like henchmen are lifting and grunting through their arduous task, setting the stage for Ziltoid's furious heavy metal takeover... Commander: Captain Ziltoid! The humans are preparing themselves for the attack! Ziltoid: Excellent! Have you prepared the planet smasher? Ziltoidian Crew: Yes, my Lord! Ziltoid: Indeed, on my word! Ziltoidian Crew: Yes, my Lord! Ziltoid and his crew begin advancing on the Earth. Sergeant Bomber (Human Commander): Now listen here men! We represent the planet Earth! I want no heroes! He is gonna be unleashing a shit storm on us! We gotta be ready! They are coming over the horizon as we speak! We gotta be ready to take them down! Hold your position men! Do not fire until I tell you to fire! Have you got that? Army: Yes, Captain! Sergeant Bomber (Human Commander): Right! Hold your position! Ziltoid, he comes! At this point, Ziltoid's space barge comes careening through the stratosphere. Huge speaker cabs on the wings, with Ziltoid riding the cockpit, maniacally waving his custom ESP 7 String Baritone. Screaming through the sky towards the Earth, flames flickering as the oxygen starts, to scorch the outside of his fancy barge. He's grinning and tuning his axe: GCGCGCE. Readying his big stupid rack and plugging in his OD808.
Submitted by Grave666 — Apr 26, 2025
Ziltoid (Over the Huge Loudspeakers): People of Earth! We are your Ziltodian Overlords. Resistance is futile! Ziltoid: Ziltoidia attacks! Ships are in the sky! Everything goes rushing past, And you know the reason why! Bow down! Bow now! You give us a coffee! You give us a coffee! You give us a Wop-bam-boom! Ziltoidia attacks! Ships are in the sky! Colder than a robot mind, and you know the reason why! You better believe we'll destroy the Earth! You get up, you get up, you get up, get down! And you better, you better, you better believe it! We're coming to your town! We're coming to your town! and you better, you better, you better, you better believe it! Ziltoidia attacks! Ships are in the air! Everything goes rushing by, we're in your atmosphere! Ziltoidia attacks! Novacene anywhere! You better believe he's heaven sent! Over the huge loudspeakers: We present to you, Ziltoid the Omniscient! Ziltoid starts playing his guitar solo, dressed in the finest pleather, wearing his royal trousers. If he can impress the humans enough, they will surely hand over their finest coffee, and he can go back in time and present himself to all cultures, throughout the universe as the ultimate rock star. Ziltoid: Check this out! Simple! I am the greatest guitar player ever to have lived! I am Ziltoid! You better believe we'll destroy the Earth! We can't help, we can't help, we can't help it now! And you better, you better, you better believe it! We're coming to your town! We're coming to your town! and you better, you better, you better, you better believe it! Ziltoidia attacks! Ships are in the air! Everything goes rushing by, we're in your atmosphere! Ziltoidia attacks! Novacene anywhere! You better believe he's heaven sent! We're in your atmosphere! You better, you better, you better believe it! You better believe it humans! Do you know what? You better, you better, you better believe it! You better believe!
Submitted by Nargaroth — Apr 26, 2025
So Ziltoid came to Earth, presenting himself as a golden rock God, and people everywhere were enthralled by his crazy music, and massive space goings-ons. While he was giving his fabulous concert however, several Earthlings snuck into a space pod and have blasted off into space, with hopes of finding an entity stronger than Ziltoid to show him up. Narrator: "Now, being hailed as the ultimate fourth dimensional guitar hero, Ziltoid feels confident in his complete victory. But Captain Spectacular has seen through Ziltoid's facade, and now sets out to expose Ziltoid for what he really is: a nerd. We now join Captain Spectacular, as he introspectively gazes out of his starship window, on his way to find the fifth dimensional Nebulowe-nine. (A hive mind intelligence that could save the humans, from Ziltoid and his nutso music). Captain Spectacular: Did you know that time, is not a straight line? Everything that you learn! Now it's gone, gone away. You take your time, if you choose you'll burn. Everything that you were! Now it's gone, gone away. Yeah it's gone, gone away. The Crew: Yeah it's gone, gone away. Captain Spectacular: Gone, and the world is gone! And we find there's no one, that's waiting for the light to come. And we are on our own! And we find there's no one, that's waiting for the light to call. The Crew: And we are on our own! And we find there's no one, that's waiting for the light to call. Captain Spectacular: I must rise! I must find a way! For this, Ziltoid must surely pay! My fellow humans! I, Captain Spectacular, hereby give my good word! Yeah it's gone, gone away! Yeah it's gone, gone away! Yeah it's gone! Solar wind blows, through my unconscionable mind. Solar wind blows, through my unconscionable mind. Say it again, say it again! Words are used for weapons! Say it again and again and again... At this point Ziltoid spots Captain Spectacular's Ship, the "Goodship Lollypoop", on his radar and begins to song to himself. Ziltoid: Hey, don't let her down! You've let her into my world! Hey, you'll never learn! You've let her into my mind! Hold the soul, the solar winds blowing cold. Hey, you'll never learn! You've let her into my world! Sew the makings of your untold. The solar winds, the solar winds blowing cold. Lieutenant Squiggles: Commander Ziltoid, permission to speak! Ziltoid: Granted... Lieutenant Squiggles: It appears as if Captain Spectacular and the remaining humans, have set a course to the benevolent hive mind 9! Ziltoid: Indeed! Come to me, you know I'm right. Come to me into the night. Knowing we are right behind the solar winds. The solar winds blowing cold! Ziltoid then assembles a small crew of ghoulish space monkeys, and blasts off into the still void of space to capture Captain Spectacular. He fears that if the humans find the truth about his existence of Nebulowenine, he will no longer be considered the cool-ass rock God he's pretending to be. But rather the disgusting nerd he truly is. He begins to chase down Captain Spectacular through a wormhole, deep in the outer rim... Ziltoid: After them! Captain Spectacular: He's gaining on us! Hyperdrive, put it in hyperdrive! Ensign Scoopy: Commander Ziltoid, the humans are no longer on our radar! Ziltoid: What? Curses, they must have jumped into hyperdrive. Phooey! And double phooey! Until we meet again commander...
Submitted by Celtic Frost — Apr 26, 2025
In hyperdrive, and temporarily away from Zilty, our heroes whiz through vast, beautiful expanses of the solar system, dipping and diving, with the radio cranked. Captain Spectacular, Admiral Louise Everymann, and the rest of the chosen human intellects get a chance, to cruise through the Omniverse in their Trans-Am shaped space vessel. Zooming past celestial events, whizzing past universal, immense epiphany-inducing things. Wow... momentarily, the humans are having a ball. Hyperdrive through perfect celestial beauty, knowing they have to confront Ziltoid deep in the field, their entertainment is tempered with a sense of foreboding. “Enjoy the ride Captain Spectacular” projects Ziltoid. So cold in the night, where the river flows. Where the river flows! So cold in the night, where the river flows. Where the river flows! Sail away! Hey, I'm sorry. Everyday is a new day. Hooray for love! Hey, I'm lonely. Trying to find a new way. So cold, in the night, where the rivers slow. Say the rivers slows. So cold, in the night, where the rivers slow. Say the rivers slows. So cold! Connect! So cold in the night. Hold on, hold on. So cold in the night. Hold on, hold on. Sail away! Hey, I'm sorry. Everyday is a new day. Hooray for love! Hey, I'm lonely. Trying to find a new way. On your way! On your way! On your way! She loves me not... Narrator: Having made their way through space, Captain Spectacular and his intrepid crew have arrived in Nebulo 9. Unbeknownst to the humans, Ziltoid has also arrived! Ziltoid: Haha, surprise!
Submitted by Corpse Grinder — Apr 26, 2025
Captain Spectacular and the intrepid fleet of forward-thinking humans, leaps through the wormhole at the far end of the deep field, and approach a hazy form in the middle of a starless part of the universe. The haze becomes apparent to Captain Spectacular as the hive mind intelligence, from the 5th dimension, known in human speak as “Nebulowanine”, a vast, benevolent intellect that hopefully will be able to show Ziltoid, that the goal in his existence should not be utilizing, his 4th dimensional space-time attributes for the sake of satiating his massive ego. Captain Spectacular summons Nebulowanine... Captain Spectacular: “Oh iridescent, benevolent hive mind intelligence, I am Captain Spectacular, and I represent a colony of carbon-based life many wormholes away, from a small planet called Earth. As three-dimensional beings, our population was taken into mental slavery, by the 4th dimensional doofus, Ziltoid. This Ziltoid considers himself “Omniscient,” but you being one dimension higher, maybe you could reason with him. He just wants to be a rock star, and my fellow humans are so impressed, by his “time traveling” party tricks that they are letting him take over. I know that you have no vested interest in the struggle, but I figure that, hey, maybe our coming here is reason enough, for you to reason with him. He is following us here because he feels threatened, by your besting him in the dimension game. He thinks if the rest of humanity knew about you, they'd call him out as just being a big scaly goof." N9 Monks: Nebulowanine! Nebulowanine! Nebulowanine! Nine, Nine! Nine, Nine! Nine, Nine! Nebulowanine: Say to me eternally. Explain to me infinity. N9 Monks from the corner of the 729 light year wide hive mind mass (with immense mouths and iridescent light emitting from them). N9 Monks: Nebulowanine! Nebulowanine! Nebulowanine! Nine, Nine! Nine, Nine! Nine, Nine! Nebulowanine: Stay with me, eternally. Explain to me infinity. So calm, yet so volantile, yet so powerful! At this point, N9 shows Ziltoid the most beautiful thing Ziltoid can possibly imagine, and Ziltoid is momentarily stunned, baffled, and has a Ziltoidian epiphany (which involves blubbering and heavy flatulence). N9 and Ziltoid: It's so beautiful, so beautiful. Yet so vulnerable. I guess it's alright, it's alright. Ziltoid (snapping out of his momentary daze...): Yes, a delightful little theorem, but I do believe it is one's own best interests, to try a little bit of everything... Ziltoid: You have not seen the last of me! You have not seen the last of Ziltoid!
Submitted by NecroLord — Apr 26, 2025
At this point, Ziltoid snaps out of the beautiful haze presented to him, by N9 only to feel vulnerable and exposed. His aggressive nature puts him in a headspace of confusion and paranoia. He becomes angry, (in a dramatic Ziltoidian way) and retreats to Flagggdathgths Universal Arcade, where one can pay to destroy a virtual planet (kind of like a PlayStation 15 with a big crazy screen). Ziltoid: Yes, I feel like a bit of entertainment. Time to destroy the planets. Which one shall it be? This one? No, too feeble. This one? yes, perhaps. Yes, indeed. This one shall do nicely. Commander... Commander Squizloid: Yes, Captain Ziltoid? Ziltoid: Divert all the power from the main engines to the front guns! Commander Squizloid: Yes, captain Ziltoid! Anything else? Ziltoid: Take 90% of the surplus power, and divert it toward the sonar awakening device... Commander Squizloid: Aye, aye captain. Ziltoid: We must summon the 6th dimensional Planet Smasher. I feel like a bit of fun. Summon him! Herman, The Planet Smasher: Who dares awaken the Planet Smasher? Ziltoid: It is I, the 4th dimensional Ziltoid the omniscient! The occupants of Ziltoid's space barge group together, and begin to chant in unison while marching towards the front of the ship. There the massive space windows slowly open and reveal the titanic form, of the sleeping 6th dimensional creature. The Planet Smasher! (Whose real name happens to be Herman, who actually doesn't really enjoy smashing planets. He's just so huge, that anytime he goes anywhere he destroys things. He's actually a pretty good guy at heart. He's just lonely and massive, he just wants to read books. But Ziltoid keeps misconstruing his immense voice, and size as a crazy Destructo Beast). Ziltoid is such a geek. Herman, The Planet Smasher: Cherish the mind! Cover your mind! Cherish your mental sanctum. Cower to war, cower to war. Cower to war on the earth! Cursed to be by the sun. Power denotes! You're the only one, who channels the mind. Channels the mind! Channels the mind of the earth! Cherish the pain! Cherish the pain! Cherish the pain! Cherish the mental weaponry! Cower to war, cower to war, Cowards remain on the earth. Tell me what you want from me! Ziltoid and his Cronies: All I want to be is the universe! Parallel to beings around all of us. Conduit to see through the Omniverse. Letting the bombs go into tommorrow. Pull! Smasher! Pull! Smasher! Bow to the valley below! Bow down! Smasher! Pull! Smasher! Bow to the valley below! The Hippies of Virtual World 72: Please do not release the Planet Smasher, mighty Ziltoid! We mean you no harm! Ziltoid and his Cronies: Pull! Smasher! Pull! Smasher! Bow to the valley below! Bow down! Smasher! Pull! Smasher! Bow to the valley below! Cronies (Summoning Herman): Smasher! Ziltoid and his Cronies: All I want to be is the universe! Parallel to beings around all of us. Conduit to see through the Omniverse. Herman, The Planet Smasher: Begone, foul pest! And by the way, the name's Herman. And I hate musicals! Herman speaks: "Ziltoid, you are such a nerd. The 6th dimension is not about the power. Power is the result! Honestly, leave me alone." Herman then flicks Ziltoid's space barge with his meaty paw, and sends him careening through this particular galaxy, spilling his coffee and leaving Ziltoid highly embarrassed.
Submitted by Finntroll — Apr 26, 2025
Ziltoid: God... Ziltoid thinks: “How can I wreak havoc on the Earthlings, and procure all their finest coffee, if I cannot even awaken the Planet Smasher? Ah well, now I suppose they'll have some, 7th dimensional being now, with, um... electronic balls. And oh... 7th dimensional omniscience detecting mechanisms. Where's my coffee?” Narrator: Having been rejected by the Planet Smasher, Ziltoid seeks the council of the omnidimensional creator. Ziltoid: Assuage my confusion about creation and the universe. Creator: Yo, Ziltoid! what's up dude? Long time no see, although I see everything. What's on your mind bro? Ziltoid: Modular forms and elliptic curves! Infinite fire revolving around, infinite parallels fractals of infinite reality. Each cascading, gliding in an infinite wheel. Tell me the true nature of my reality! Creator: Yeah, chill man!
Submitted by Dahmers Fridge — Apr 26, 2025
Ziltoid is now in a huge, crystalline area dressed in crazy white gowns (which he notices are very itchy) and the Creator is laying it all on the line for him. Showing him his whole life from when he was a little Zilt, chewing his way out of the egg, through his teen years when he was picked on by Zoltoid the Angry, his family, his job and the whole works. But still, he thinks, for such a production, at least they could have made the stupid gown less itchy. Ziltoid: See how the ways of the world, ecline to me. See how the weight of the world, keep lying on me. Sooner or later, the nights with the satyr, will bring back the memory in time. See how the sight of it all, keeps flying to me. Years of the power of all, he's trying to be. Who's the weakest now, caught up in the wire? I'm already gone! Who's the weakest? I concede to life, to do whatever I need, What's in a life, But bodies? So confusing, confounding! Here, Ziltoid is so confused that he gives one last violent attempty at power, screaming his insecure proclamation to the Creator and the universe. I'm Ziltoid! I don't give a shit! I live above earth, in a big rocket ship! I'm Ziltoid! The horror! The horror! I'm Ziltoid! The horror! The horror! I'm Ziltoid! The horror! The horror! Ziltoid then reverts to his “inner child”, and begins to sing from a place long thought lost... Stay at home for me. You and I are free, to love by the firewall. Tune out for a while... Stay at home for me, Comma lined are we. In time, you'll be gone again, Tune out for a while... Say I'm wasting all my life. Say I'm wasting time. Stay at home for me. Ziltoid, the Omniscient! You and I are free, to love... Ziltoid is in a confused, defeated, private, and vulnerable state, and then the Creator speaks. Creator: So, in the end it's beautiful, It's beautiful... Yes, in the end it's beautiful, so beautiful... You say you wanna know! You say you wanna take it down! You say you wanna know! No, no!!! Well now's the only time! Are you sure you wanna know? Are you sure you wanna take it down? Are you sure you wanna go, go, go! You're a puppet... I am a puppet... We are all puppets...
Submitted by NecroLord — Apr 26, 2025
Creator: Stay away from the unknown Stay away from me for a while, unknown. You give me all your heart, you give me all your heart for me. It's the greys again I know, I know. And it's a sinister game they play, I know. I know! You give me all your heart, give me all your heart for me. And the world it gets so loud. And when they start to tear you apart, you were right, you were always right. Ready or not here I come!!! And the greys flood our memories in the long haul. Can the greys wash away? Chaos! And the world it gets so loud. And when they start to tear you apart, you were right, you were always right. Ready or not here I come!!! And the greys flood our memories in the long haul...
Submitted by Cyberwaste — Apr 26, 2025
Man (singing): ...And the greys flood our memories in the long haul... Boss: Hey slacker, wake up! We got people standing here in line, you're sitting there daydreaming. C'mon we got two venti white chocolate moccha's, a tall Americano and a Grande cappuccino! C'mon get your butt in gear, c'mon! Man: Oh sorry, sorry, sorry. OK, two um... Customer: Excuse me. Man: Grande... frappe... shit... Customer: Excuse me. Man: Yeah, yeah. Customer: Excuse me, sir! I believe I ordered a decaf, non fat, no whip, sugar free, vanilla flavoured latte... Boss: Hey slacker! We got people lined up out the door over here, c'mon. We got two venti white moccha's, a Grande cappuccino and a tall latte! Let's go, move it!
Submitted by Corpse Grinder — Apr 26, 2025